Its the "D" day

The real essence of feeling lonely in midst of a billion people, I just got to experience now.

Its diwali day, okay….well…..not that special for me…..as there were always my final exams during this time in school…..not much excitement…..

Today is supposed to be spent with loved and dear ones, people you enjoy spending time with, socializing and having fun together, of course with God on your side…..

But not for me, I didn’t feel it, I thought I was fine until now. Dad kept on saying, “aapko lonely to nahin lag raha hai na, just be with friends…and be happy”

“I am dad, I sure am”….i will not allow myself to be depressed, just for you……

But as soon as this cacophony of crackers, rockets, waterfalls and sparklers started….i cant help but reminisce.

Even though I always had exams, I always used to come down for the puja, and dad used to do the puja of annie and me, because we are the real goddesses of our house, dad always used to say.

And then we used to light up diyas and candles and place them all around the house, and after it was done, just simply looking at our hard work, was reward enough. (Although half of the diya were extinguished by the end of it all)

Annie’s job was to continuously light up the extinguished ones…..

And then finish of with some sparklers………….

Pretty simple routine.

Am not supposed to miss it, I don’t………I miss the people………

I didn’t have to be alone, I could have gone to Noida, to Indore, to Bhopal, to Lucknow……any damn city in India [I still don’t have a passport]

But I didn’t want to………

And as I stand here, in the balcony of my hostel, staring into the sky……which is lighting up every two second with different hues of the various flying rockets and crackers……

a feeling of calmness engulfs me…..it feels strangely familiar……to be alone….…it feels like home.

I figure its good to be lonely at times.......it makes you appreciate people more :-)

To see yor face

You took my hand and drew me to your side, made me sit on a high seat before all men, till i became timid, unable to stir and walk on my own way; doubting and debating at every step lest i should tread upon any thorn of their disfavour.

I am freed at last!

The blow has come, the drum of insult sounded, my seat is laid low in the dust.

My paths are open before me.

My wings are full of desire of the sky.

I go to join the shooting stars of midnight, to plunge into the profound shadow.

In destperate joy I run upon the dusty path of the despised; i draw near to your final welcome.

The child finds its mother when it leaves her womb.

When i'm parted from you, thrown out of your household,

I am free to see your face.

-From the works of Rabindranath Tagore

I've got magic beans

sometimes i forget the things which matter the most...an then by a sudden blast of of fate...they come back in the perspective...like now...

did you know?

I've got magic beans :-)

DONT

Don’t be too loud. Don’t talk to the boys, they are crazy. Don’t be too flamboyant. Don’t be your true self. Don’t be friendly with everyone, people will take advantage of you. Wear proper clothes. Cover every bit of your body. Don’t let any skin show!
Do you enough Kurtis? Do you need more salwar suits? Walk properly. Don’t be over- confidant. Don’t roam around alone in the city! Take someone with you. Ask any girl. Don’t trust the boys. Decent Girls always wear salwar suits. Don’t let your Bra strap show! Hide it! Come back right before 9.30 pm. Not a minute later!
Its 9.31 pm….look at the clock! How Dare you come late! Talk to the warden now. Don’t wear skirts. It excites the Boys, bare legs. Don’t ask the shopkeeper for whisper ultra in a loud voice, always asked in a hushed voice! Wait for the shopkeeper to wrap the packet in a newspaper and then in a black polythene bag, so that no one can see what you are buying! Don’t sit on Bikes, roads are very unsafe. Don’t lend money to other people. They wont give it back. Don’t talk to much to anyone. Don’t let people convince you to do anything. Don’t listen to those roadside commentaries. Don’t Drink, Girls shouldn’t Drink or Smoke. It doesn’t look good. Don’t be Rude. Be Tactful. Don’t be trusting of anyone. Don’t talk back to anyone; they’ll only be provoked more. Don’t show your feelings. Be Professional.

DON’T BE!

If....

IF

If i were a leaf
being blown about by the wind
not thinking, not worrying
about my destination
where ight i end up?

maybe on a body of water
floating on top for a while
then getting a liitle wet
untill i'm fully submerged and drowned

maybe on the playground
where i'm stepped on joyfully by the children
who like to hear my painful voice cracking
as i'm squashed out of my shape
when my bones are boken
they will laugh, in merriment

maybe on garden
near a student
who will pick me up
enjoy and relish my serene narural beauty
then place me in a book
and forget all about me

maybe...

FI

We're flyin high !

I just came to know from a friend that some people think that we are simply flying too high nowadays!

ha...and believe it or not....i dont think we even felt it! i mean...if we ARE flyin...u would think we would have known ourselves...

just imagine...if we are still just walkin on the ground and ppl think we are flying...what will happen when we actually DO fly?...

well nothin CAN happen actually...all some people can do is just shoot stray comments like sharp arrows...which until some time before...really were hurting...

It was like i could not bear the pain...as if u were falling into an abyss, constantly being pricked by those arrows...stuck on ur body..some of them breaking by the impact on the walls... and in turn sinking even farther into your skin....fallin ..fallin...into this deep dark tunnel...with voices....or rather string of words...being flung at you...which as they hit you, stung even more than the arrows...

but stop..........right ......................there..................................................................................................

suddenly you open your eyes...just a little....and get a peek so that you can find some shelter...

And you realise....ha....that these arrows are being thrown at you by these tiny people from the Land of Liliputs!!!

Liliput people? these people...no bigger than 5 inches......are throwing what seems like very tiny dust!!! i suddenly realise what i can do....i can just move my hand...and they will get squashed to death...like ants..............

it seems that the lilliputs cant speak english very well....also have a problem pronouncing "P" which they seem to say "ph".....

ah....lets just leave them....i think to myself.....what can they do? i'll just continue my work of making this raft....so i can get back to my world.....

My world is waiting for me......

I just wish....that i actually was flying too high.....then i could just fly away from here....but thats not possible...irrespective of what some people might think!!!....

so there you go again....continue with the raft!!! stop wasting time....with these insects....

Deja Vu ?

If I see you, five years from now…will I remember u?
Will I be able to recognize u from across the room?
Will be able to come up to u and say…”Hey! Remember me?”

Ur memories will be long gone…I’ve faced this quite a lot of times before…we make promises, to keep in touch…but it never comes through….

Lookin back, I can remember myself attesting…”no, we are not like all the others! We WILL meet in the future, lets decide now…where…in ten years time…when all our bachelor degrees will be done?”….but its time for me to accept the gradual decrease of contact, the breaking of the strings…slowly being stretched beyond its limit… when you know…there are just a few moments before it breaks down and gives in to this force being pressed upon it.

These few moments transcend into months in actuality, but the concept is the same isn’t it?

I’ve got photographs up on my wall, makin me remember and relive those moments in my head…but that’s just because the present has nothing to offer me….

That’s why I guess, I don’t blame anyone….because if the presence was captivating for me as it is for you…maybe I also wouldn’t bother… meandering in the past…

That’s the bottom line…isn’t it?